


Make the Wretched Sigh

by ohhgreywarden



Series: complainte de la butte [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Awkward Virgin Ferdinand von Aegir, Dorothea is trying to work through things but it's really hard, F/M, Ferdinand is just really sweet and also sad, Misunderstandings, New Relationship, Post-Timeskip | War Phase (Fire Emblem: Three Houses), Resolved Misunderstandings, route not specified
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26217526
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohhgreywarden/pseuds/ohhgreywarden
Summary: Even after their conversation in the cathedral, Dorothea still can't quite believe that Ferdinand looks at her so differently from every other noble in her past. But instead of disgust, she sees only desire in his eyes...Once, she had accepted being an object of lust, had used others’ desire for her to bend and manipulate them to her will. And for all that Ferdinand treated her with a gentleness that made her heart flutter, she still could not quite believe he was so different from those other nobles despite his insistence. No matter how she craved to be desired for more than her beauty, her fame, her body, she could not fathom anyone truly wanting her for the woman underneath.
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir/Dorothea Arnault
Series: complainte de la butte [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904029
Comments: 8
Kudos: 65





	Make the Wretched Sigh

**Author's Note:**

> My first FE3H fic just _had_ to be ferdithea. I love their relationship so much, and I really wanted to explore Dorothea grappling with her misunderstandings of Ferdinand and her own self-esteem issues as she falls for him.
> 
> The title comes from ["Complainte de la Butte"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5plwp0gzPRI) as performed by Rufus Wainwright on the Moulin Rouge! soundtrack.
> 
> A huge thank you to [roxyryoko](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxyryoko) for the beta!

Since that conversation in the cathedral, they’ve settled into something of a routine. It started when Ferdinand had kissed Dorothea’s hand one night as they left the dining hall. He smiled up at her after, amber eyes sparkling in the moonlight, and Dorothea thought that perhaps she could fall in love with Ferdinand.

Kisses on her hand soon progressed to kisses on cheeks and lips, and what remained of Dorothea’s distrust of Ferdinand began to melt away. Every time, he kissed her with barely-contained hunger, but always the gentleman, he pulled away before things became too heated.

Dorothea knows that Ferdinand wants more than stolen kisses between missions and training. It’s impossible to ignore the way his hands linger on her body when they part, or the way his eyes, full of a longing that makes her blush, always find her during meetings. And truth be told, she too wants there to be more between them.

But that, she fears, is exactly the problem.

While she knows now that the look he gave her that day at the fountain was not the same disgusted glare she had received from other nobles as a child, the new way he looks at her still reminds her of the predatory looks she received from nobles after she joined the opera. Now when her eyes meet Ferdinand’s across the former cardinals’ room, she sees in his stare the same desire she’d felt from those men and occasional women since she was really far too young to receive such looks.

Once, she had accepted being an object of lust, had used others’ desire for her to bend and manipulate them to her will. And for all that Ferdinand treated her with a gentleness that made her heart flutter, she still could not quite believe he was so different from those other nobles despite his insistence. No matter how she craved to be desired for more than her beauty, her fame, her body, she could not fathom anyone truly wanting her for the woman underneath.

Still, she had attempted to pursue worse men at one time. She had come to the academy merely to find a husband who could keep her off the streets after all. Even if Ferdinand would never return her love (she scolded herself for thinking of her feelings as love, even though she knew that was the right word), perhaps it would not be so terrible to settle for a kind nobleman who desired her.

And so, when Ferdinand kisses her goodnight one evening, Dorothea presses her body against his a little more than usual and kisses back a little harder. Ferdinand responds eagerly, parting his lips and sighing against hers.

His lips are still parted when she pulls away, his eyes glassy and hungrily taking in her face. She takes a deep breath.

_It’s now or never, Dorothea._

She stands on tiptoe, lips just barely brushing against his ear as she whispers, “Maybe we should take this to my bedroom…”

Ferdinand pulls back. To Dorothea’s surprise, he’s frowning slightly. “Pardon? What was that?”

She gives him what she hopes is a flirtatious smile in spite of the sudden fear rising in her chest. “I said, Ferdie, that I think we should take this to my bedroom.”

“Oh.” He backs away a little more. His hands remain at her waist, but there’s space between their bodies. Ferdinand casts his eyes off to the side as he says, “Well, ah. If that is what you desire, Dorothea, then I shall willingly oblige…”

Dorothea’s heart drops. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. She takes a few steps back and slips out of Ferdinand’s arms with no resistance. She stares at him as he raises a hand to rub at his temple, eyes still avoiding her gaze.

“You know, Ferdie,” she says, crossing her arms tightly over her chest, “usually when a woman invites someone to her bed, she expects a more enthusiastic response.”

“My apologies, then,” he replies, finally meeting her eyes with a forced and sheepish smile. “Your proposition was unexpected.”

“Unexpected?” In her newfound infatuation with Ferdinand, it seems she had forgotten how naïve he could be. _Stupid Ferdie._ She shakes her head. “What, are you a virgin or something?”

“Well, yes--”

Dorothea cuts him off with a harsh laugh. “Really? A handsome guy like you?” She knows it’s a low blow, that he’s just as embarrassed as she is, but it’s all too easy to fall back to her old insults in her current state. “Are you waiting for marriage? Or did you just never find anyone else who could put up with you long enough to get the chance?”

“How could I have wanted anyone else when I have been in love with you since I was seventeen?”

Ferdinand’s words hang in the air, the silence following them even more deafening than his raised voice. Tears well up in Dorothea’s eyes, and before she can even think she’s broken the silence with a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh.

“Please, don’t lie to me…”

“Why would I lie? To make a false confession of love would not be very noble.”

When she brushes away her tears and meets Ferdinand’s eyes, Dorothea sees nothing but earnest sincerity in his expression. She laughs again as tears obscure her vision once more.

“But I hated you,” she whispers, fruitlessly wiping at her eyes with her sleeves so that she doesn’t have to look Ferdinand in the eye again.

It’s Ferdinand’s turn to laugh; a dry, humorless sound. “You had every reason to hate me. I was a fool then.” He shifts his weight nervously, then adds softly, “And yet I still had the sense to fall in love with you.”

Words bubble up in Dorothea’s throat, but she chokes them back down like bile. She wants to tell him that she loves him too, that she’s sorry to have kept him waiting for his feelings to be returned for so long, but her throat refuses to allow her to speak. She opens her mouth, tries to force the words out, but the only sound she produces is a quiet whimper. Another sob threatens to wrack her body. She sways, bringing a hand to her mouth.

“Dorothea…”

Ferdinand takes a hesitant step forward, one hand outstretched toward her. Dorothea closes the remaining distance, releasing her pent-up tears against Ferdinand’s shoulder. Her fingers tangle in his hair as she clings to him for balance. One of his hands finds its way to the part of her back bared by her dress, and even through his glove, the heat of his skin so close to hers steadies her.

Time seems to slow for a moment. There is no sound but the low breeze whistling softly through the deserted courtyard. The moonlight that reaches Dorothea’s eyes through Ferdinand’s hair has taken on a golden-orange glow; she imagines that from a distance his hair must look like a fiery halo. A smile threatens to pull at her mouth.

She feels a delicate pressure against her hair and hears a quiet but distinctive sound. Ferdinand has kissed the crown of her head, and the tender gesture sends another sob through her body.

“I’m scared, Ferdie,” she whispers in a voice even she can barely hear.

Ferdinand rubs a thumb against the bare skin of her back. “I know. I am as well. This war…”

Oh, that she were only afraid because of the war and not the tempest of dark thoughts and emotions swirling inside of her. She sighs.

“It’s not just the war. I thought… I thought that maybe you just wanted some image of me, just like every other man who’s ever wanted me. That you wanted the water nymph in the fountain. I didn’t… I couldn’t believe you could love… just me.”

His arms squeeze her tighter to his chest, gloved fingers digging into her back. “You have nothing to fear with me, Dorothea. In fact, I was afraid that you merely desired me so that I could keep you off the streets when this war ends.”

It should sting, to be reminded of the future she had long believed she would have to settle for. But there is no judgment in Ferdinand’s voice, and she realizes that he would have been willing to give her that security even if she never returned his affections. Fresh tears prick at her eyes at the realization.

“Maybe we were both fools.”

Dorothea hears a quiet sniffle and pulls back to look at Ferdinand. He’s been crying too, and she fights against her instinct to duck her head once more and give him some semblance of privacy. Instead, she fixes her watery eyes on his, even as more tears glide down her cheeks.

It’s Ferdinand who breaks away from her gaze when he leans in to press a soft kiss to her lips. His tears mingle with hers against their cheeks, and she stands on tiptoe to deepen the kiss. She hopes that in the press of her lips against his, Ferdinand can read the confession she still can’t speak aloud.

“Don’t leave me tonight,” Dorothea breathes against his lips when they finally part. “We don’t need to do anything but sleep, I promise. I just don’t want to be alone.”

“You shall never need to be alone again,” Ferdinand replies.

Something falls into place inside her. This, she realizes, is what she wanted all along but never thought she would have or deserve. She surges forward to kiss him again, and finally, finally, she believes.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on twitter at [YourGirlRatBaby](https://twitter.com/YourGirlRatBaby) if you want to scream about ferdithea (or hubernie or linmari or other rarepairs) with me!


End file.
